the story of Rory

Our third baby is almost five months old as I write this, his birth story, and I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness that he's here and part of our family. Like the births of my other two children, I ended up having to be induced, but this time it was a scheduled induction. Rory was due on July 28th and as my due date came and went we started thinking about ways to get things moving so I could avoid being induced. I walked a ton, ate an entire pineapple, bounced on an exercise ball and a trampoline, drank literally gallons of red raspberry leaf tea, and did everything else an expectant mother might do to naturally induce labor. The forty-two week mark was approaching and still nothing. I had my membranes swept at the next appointment and scheduled the induction, but I still felt I would go into labor eventually. With Ezra (read his birth story here) and Finn (and here's his birth story) my water broke and basically not much happened so I ended up being induced with Pitocin once we were at the hospital. Even though I was hopeful that I might be able to labor without the help of drugs, a small part of me wondered if I would have to actually drive to the hospital while not in labor and be induced. Like, not in labor in any way and then pushed into being in labor. So I kept trying everything I could think of to get labor started - homeopathic remedies suggested by the boys' pediatrician, one visit to the chiropractor, and two visits to an acupuncturist. I spoke with my midwife Deb on the phone and she was willing to wait a bit longer so we pushed the induction out a day or two, I don't remember exactly, to give everything time to work. The new date was exactly two weeks past my due date, August 11th. Ezra had been five days late and Finn was eleven days late, and it made perfect sense that this third baby would be even later, ha.

Anyway, on the night of the tenth I tried to get plenty of sleep and explained to the boys that I would be gone when they woke up in the morning. My mom was coming over to stay with them while Matt and I went to the hospital. It was so weird driving to South County even though I wasn't in labor. We stopped to get gas, not in a hurry at all. When we arrived we were introduced to our nurse, Ashley, and in typical Rhode Island fashion we recognized her. It turns out she had gotten married earlier in the summer and Matt knows her photographer and had seen some of the photos from her wedding. Ashley got my IV started at around 8:30 and then we waited for Deb for about forty-five more minutes. At this point I was only 1 cm dilated, 70% effaced, and the baby was at 0 station. Deb inserted the Foley and it was a lot less comfortable than I thought it would be. It wasn't as bad for me as it was for Matt though, because he almost passed out and had to go lie down, haha. Soon our friend Karissa arrived and I felt better having her there. Matt is a great support during birth but sometimes he just doesn't get it, never having given birth before, I guess. The Pitocin (at level 6, though I forget what the number means) started flowing and I had to be monitored throughout the morning, but I was able to use a telemetry unit so I could walk around the floor. That's what we did for the next two hours, and then my friend and doula Courtney arrived, and I had one of the labor popsicles I brought (highly recommended if you're going to be having a baby soon). I spent the morning pretty discouraged because Deb had mentioned that she had another patient recently who was induced the same way and the baby was born in early afternoon, and here I was at almost noon and the Foley hadn't even fallen out which meant I wasn't even at 3 cm yet. For unknown reasons - I'll blame it on hormones - Matt was driving me crazy with his positive attitude when all I was feeling was disappointment and fear. I'm thankful I had Courtney and Karissa there to encourage me and support Matt, too. 

Finally at 12:00 the Foley fell out when I went to the bathroom to pee. The baby was moving a lot, kicking the monitor, so Ashley had to reposition it a lot. Deb came to the room to check on me and she turned the Pitocin up to 12. I was having contraction about every 2-3 minutes and they were getting stronger but I was still feeling fine. Matt thought the Pitocin should be turned up because of my history, and at 1:20 it was turned up to level 18. Just ten minutes later it was turned back down to 12 because my contractions were coming too strong and close together. I was 4 cm and 90% effaced, and Deb said I should lay on my left side for the next hour. After about an hour the contractions were getting a lot stronger and I a lot less comfortable. Another half hour and I wasn't having a good time anymore. I didn't want to talk and nothing could make me laugh. I was breathing through the contractions as best as I could but I was also crying during them, and I was worried about the rest of the labor. I knew things would have to get worse and I felt like I had a long way to go. I'm choking up right now as I write, remembering the way I felt. At this time I remember a PA student coming in and Deb telling her that I was close, in transition, that she could tell by the way I was behaving. I knew I wasn't close though, and hearing that others thought I was close to delivery was hard. The thing that helped encourage me the most was having a good support team. I remember asking Matt to put the song Oceans by Hillsong United on, and it was a comfort to me when our friends started quietly singing along. Being surrounded by fellow Christians (even Deb is a Christian!) was very uplifting and helped to remind me that God was always with me. 

Around this time there was a shift change and a new nurse came on, Susan. At 4:30 the Pitocin was turned off. Deb was hopeful that my body would keep up the contractions on its own. Sure enough, I was 6-7 cm dilated and 100% effaced; the baby was still at 0 station, not as close as Deb had thought. The contractions were still coming strong and regular and I felt sick. I was laboring on my hands and knees, burying my face in the pillow with each contraction with a basin close by. At around 5:30 Deb asked if Courtney had her rebozo with her and she did, so she used it for a while, "sifting" to help the baby turn. [I should mention that Courtney was pregnant at this time, too - only a month behind me, so she did all this while eight months pregnant!] We were thinking the baby wasn't in the ideal position and therefore wasn't coming down the birth canal to put pressure on my cervix. I don't remember exactly who realized it first, but my contractions had become less frequent. I felt that I had more time in between them, and I knew the Pitocin had to be turned back on so at 6:45 it was coursing through my veins again. 

Even though the contractions were hard, I think I handled them better than I did when I had Finn. I was able to keep my voice low and breathe through them, focusing instead of getting frantic. I had asked Karissa to take notes (she did when I had Ezra and didn't when I had Finn, and so many great details were on the pages of the notes from Ezra's birth) and here she wrote that I said, "I want to be done," and "it's taking too long." Predictions about time had been very discouraging to me. The other patient of Deb's had had her baby in the afternoon. I know every laboring mother's experience is unique, but I couldn't get that out of my head. I don't like to get my hopes up, especially in a situation like this, and knowing how my other two births had progressed I didn't think it likely that this one would be wildly different, and it wasn't. At least not yet. 

At 7:30 the Pitocin was turned off again and monitor came off, too. I was dilated to a "stretchy" 8, and Deb thought the baby had flipped again and was posterior. We discussed my options which included breaking my water, taking a shower, using nitrous oxide for pain relief, and attempting to stretch my cervix. I opted to have Deb try to stretch my cervix and it hurt a lot and didn't work. I remember crying again at this point. I didn't know what to do and felt stuck. We all (Deb, Matt, Karissa, Courtney, and me) talked about what the next step should be, and Matt thought Deb should break my water, but I didn't want to do that yet. I remember thinking about how much more intense the pain would get and I already felt like I was at my limit, and I was still holding out hope that it would break on its own.  I got up to go to the bathroom and I vividly remember saying, "don't try to convince me to break my water!" to him, angry and frustrated as I walked away. I sat there with Matt crouching beside me and said I didn't think I could do this again, this meaning labor. Karissa wrote in her notes, "congratulations, you are a forever family of five" which makes me smile now. At the time I was miserable. I had already been thinking those words in my head that day, but I deliberately spoke them out loud because I wanted Matt, Karissa, and Courtney to be able to remind me of the way I felt. At this time I also reminded Karissa that she had told me to remind her she doesn't want to be pregnant again. What goes on in the mind of a laboring woman?!

We were back to deciding the next course of action and I opted to get in the shower, hoping the warm water might help relax me, I had brought index cards with scripture written on them, and Courtney read them to me from the other side of the curtain. It was such an emotional time. Matt had put on his bathing suit and was helping direct the shower head because I was in too much pain to stand. I was on my hands and knees, and like many women in labor, I felt like I had to have a bowel movement - finally a sign that the baby was descending. At about 8:30 I got out of the shower and back onto the bed. I was so hot during contractions and then cold in between them. I remember struggling to get the sheets off of me each time a contraction started. Karissa said it looked like I was sleeping between contractions. After about ten minutes I agreed to let Deb break my water. I think I said I just wanted it to be over. The amniotic fluid was clear which was a relief. Unfortunately I was still only 8 cm. Deb tried stretching my cervix again without success. At this point the baby's heart rate started to drop so I had to wear an oxygen mask. Things continued to progress though, and at 9:12 I was finally ready to push. He came pretty quickly, and after a couple minutes Deb told me I had to get him out right away.  The baby's heart rate wasn't coming back up and Deb was barking at me like a drill sergeant. The details are hazy for me here, but I think his head came out and Deb continued to basically shout at me to keep going. I remember breathing heavily as I tried to listen to her words, and she told me I couldn't breathe through this, I had to push. So I did, with everyone encouraging me, and then he was born, at 9:16, just four minutes after I started pushing. 

Deb brought him right to my chest and I got to hold him briefly, but the cord had been wrapped around his neck and under one arm so he had to get checked out to make sure he was alright. Within five minutes he had a perfect APGAR score and was back with me again. I thought he looked like the boys, and I was so relieved that he was finally here. We didn't name him until the next morning, just about an hour before Ezra and Finn came to meet him. We named him Rory, the name that Ezra preferred out of the few choices we had been trying to decide between. He's such a sweet baby, always smiling, a truly wonderful addition to our family.

I told Karissa as I was writing this that I loved it (the writing) and I hated it at the same time. My births have been difficult but not unbearable. None of them went the way I wanted them to, but through them I have learned so much and I'm thankful for the growth I've experienced, and that I can help encourage other moms with my stories. So many tears but so much joy, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Rory Calvin Celeste | August 11, 2016 | 9:16 pm | 8 pounds 11 ounces | 21 inches

One! | Finn's Birth Story [updated]

Finn Wilder turns one today! I'm so thankful for this sweet boy. Even though I haven't been blogging I wanted to record his birth story and share it here, but it's been a year (obviously) so some of the details are hazy for me. The wonderful photos are by our dear friend and birth photographer extraordinaire, Karissa. There are no graphic images but there is one where I look like I'm in the middle of a primal yell... just thought I should warn you! :) Thanks for reading... 

My water broke at around 10:30 on a Tuesday night. It was September 10th, eleven days past my due date, and I anticipated labor lasting into the next day. We had to go to the hospital rather than stay home to labor because I had tested positive for Group B Strep and had to have antibiotics prior to delivery, so Matt and I quickly got our things together and I called my mom to come stay with Ezra for the night. I started to cry then, thinking about how Ezra's life would change and how I wouldn't be there for him in the morning, something that had never happened before. I knew adding a child to our family, and a brother for Ezra, would be a blessing but in that moment I mourned for the life we shared as a little family of three. As we waited for my mom to arrive I called our midwife, Deb, and informed Karissa and Natalie, our doula, that we would be heading to the hospital soon.

Everyone met us there and we came up with a plan for the night. My body seemed to be responding to my water breaking in the same way it did when my water broke before I had Ezra - it basically didn't do anything. At least not anything productive! I had contractions but they were completely tolerable and I arrived at the hospital only 1 cm dilated, feeling fine, not like I was going to have to push a baby out. Our options were to try to sleep and hope labor would begin overnight, and if it didn't, be induced in the morning, or to try to stimulate labor and get things moving. We opted for the latter because I really wanted to avoid induction (I was induced with Ezra and realllly didn't like it). To make a long story short, my labor did not get going overnight. We basically walked the halls and tried to get some oxytocin flowing but it didn't work, so on the morning of the 11th I agreed to labor augmentation with Pitocin. If you don't know, Pitocin is the synthetic form of oxytocin and it causes much more intense contractions than usual. I mentally prepared myself for the intensity and sure enough my contractions came more quickly and they were much stronger. We continued to walk the halls with a telemetry unit and I was coping well. It even says so in my medical records :) Once my contractions were steady Deb suggested that she break my water (it hadn't broken entirely when labor began the previous day) and turn down the Pitocin, hoping that my body would continue laboring on its own. Unfortunately that didn't happen. Deb did break the remaining bag of waters and lowered the Pitocin, but very quickly I noticed the intensity of the contractions subside. Disappointed, I told everyone in the room that they weren't as strong and resigned myself to more Pitocin.

I labored in many different positions as the Pitocin levels were steadily increased, and now I was not coping so well (also reported in my records, ha). We all thought I was in transition but when Deb checked my cervix I was only 5 cm dilated which was devastating. I couldn't believe how hard I was laboring and I was only halfway there! My records say that at this point the plan was to check my cervix in another two hours and if there was no change I would get an epidural. I don't remember if we discussed getting the epidural or not, but I do remember that I didn't want one. I really wanted to do this on my own, especially since I couldn't when I had Ezra. An hour later the doctor on call was consulted about my lack of progress and he agreed with the plan to administer an epidural in an hour if there was no change. I continued to have contractions and they were terrible. I remember crying through some of them, sobbing and writhing, and Deb basically telling me if I didn't pull myself together and work through the contractions I would have to get the epidural. Matt says he remembers that her admonishment got my attention and things started to progress. Edited to add, because Karissa just left me a message reminding me about one of the most crucial aspects of this hard labor. A reminder like this is just one of the many reasons it's awesome to have other women supporting you during labor - they will remember what you have forgotten! Anyway, when Deb was telling me to relax, I asked "how do I relax?" The memory surfaced; I remember I asked it desperately, wailed is more like it. I was frustrated, and all I had done to prepare for giving birth had escaped my mind. I couldn't relax, and I needed Deb to tell me how. She said, "just picture yourself in the arms of Jesus." Deb is a Christian, and God gave her the perfect words in that moment. Having a Christian midwife was and is such a blessing. I remember we prayed together at one point, too. I ended up making the most progress standing at the side of the bed, leaning over it, and squeezing Matt's hands with each contraction. Natalie stood behind me, applying counter pressure with each contraction, and eventually I felt the need to sit/squat and Natalie supported my weight. However, Natalie is only about as big as me when I'm not pregnant so it got to be a bit much for her, so Deb acted as my chair, bearing my weight. I remember thinking, "is this weird that I'm sitting on Deb's lap?" but nothing matters when one is in labor so I brushed that thought aside. As the contractions grew more intense I remember wanting to throw up so badly but I wasn't and it was so frustrating. I was hot and sick and in immense pain and I just wanted to be done! My reaction to these contractions showed that I had finally, probably, progressed to completion and was ready to push.

I wanted to help catch the baby so I labored on my side, and I remember squeezing Matt's hands as hard as I was physically able to, and repeatedly yelling "OH MY GOODNESS! I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BAD THIS HURTS!" because I really couldn't believe it. I feel a little bit sick right now just thinking about it. Thankfully, this phase didn't last long. The baby's shoulders were a bit stuck so Deb had to apply pressure to my abdomen in order to move the delivery along, but I only pushed for eight minutes total, and then I reached down and this little guy was handed up to me.

I will never get over the miracle of birth. As I'm ;ooking at these pictures again I'm amazed at God's design. Anyway, our second baby boy was born at 4:47 pm (only an eighteen hour labor! Much better than the forty-eight hours I endured with Ezra) and he was giant! And adorable! And I loved him immediately, even though you can't tell from the pictures, ha... If you looked at all the images from the day you would notice that I don't smile at all until about an hour after delivery. Labor is hard, man! I was recovering in more ways than one. Anyway, we named him Finn and spent the afternoon marveling at the little baby who had entered our lives.

Matt & Deb :)

Karissa

About four hours after Finn was born our families came to meet him. I asked that Ezra come in first so we could have a few moments together, and their introduction went better than I imagined it would. Ezra kissed Finn a few times and wanted to look at all his body parts, especially his tiny toes :)

We gave Ezra a doll that I made for him, and Ezra brought a rattle that he had picked out for Finn when we were shopping a couple months before. Being a family of four was (and is!) beautiful.

Happy birthday, Finny! We're so glad you're ours!

remembering the day Ezra was born

One year ago today my little Ezra made his entrance into the world. It took me this long to write his birth story, but I have lots of pictures to help me remember it all thanks to our good friend Karissa who agreed to come along for the ride when I went into labor so she could document the process. Check out her post about Ezra's birth here... you can watch a ten to eleven minute video of these pictures plus many, many more. My memory is hazy, for sure, but I don't mind if not every detail is accurate. This is how I remember those forty-eight hours, and even though many of them were difficult I wouldn't trade them for anything because they gave us Ezra.

It was Saturday, October 30th and Matt was shooting his last wedding of the season. I had just gotten into bed to read for a little while before going to sleep and waiting for Matt to come home, but when I sat down I felt an odd sensation that told me either a. I peed my pants, or b. my water broke. I hurried back downstairs and sat on the toilet and within a few minutes I was fairly certain that my water had indeed broken so I texted our friend John (who was shooting with Matt at the wedding) telling him I thought my water had broken and that he should tell Matt. For those of you wondering why I didn't just text Matt it's because he doesn't text. Anyway, within a few minutes Matt called and I told him to take his time finishing up the wedding because I hadn't felt any contractions yet and was doing fine. Next I called one of my midwives and she explained that I should keep them posted, and that I should come in basically when I couldn't handle the contractions anymore, as I was planning on giving birth in the Alternative Birthing Center at Women & Infants. I hung up and went back to bed to wait for Matt, and he was home within an hour. I was having some contractions and they were decent but still not unbearable. Periodically we checked in with the midwives and they asked us to come in to get checked out after twelve hours of labor, so that brought us to about 10:30 on Sunday morning. It was very disappointing to learn that I was only one centimeter dilated, but after hearing our options (stay and be induced or go home and wait a little while longer) we decided to head back home. Unfortunately my labor slowed down a lot so I tried a number of things to get things moving - a hot shower, a brisk walk around the neighborhood, and a few other things, too. Things weren't picking back up but we knew that we were expected to check back in at the hospital at the twenty-four hour mark. Around 11 pm we headed back to Women & Infants and I was still only at one centimeter. Our new options were stay and be induced or go home against medical advice. After much deliberation, prayer, and some tears (mine), we opted to stay and be induced. That meant I wouldn't have a chance at the natural birth I had been hoping for.

{Karissa}

{Natalie}

Thankfully, Karissa's sister-in-law Natalie offered to come along as our doula. By the time they arrived it was ten past twelve in the wee hours of the morning and Matt and I were settled into our room. The nurse took my vitals and started my IV, and by 1:30 a.m. there was Pitocin coursing through my veins.

I was able to have a telemetry unit to monitor the contractions, so Matt, Karissa, Natalie, and Nicole (one of the midwives from my practice), and I walked the halls, stopping every now and then so I could lean against Matt and breathe through a contraction.

Eventually we walked back to the room for another dilation check. It was 4:00 a.m., almost thirty hours after my labor had begun, and I was still only one centimeter, although I was 100% effaced. Unfortunately, the Pitocin didn't seem to agree with Ezra (who was still unnamed at this point, and probably still being referred to as 'Raf' by Matt) because I had a rager of a contraction - four minutes long, it double-peaked and never seemed to stop - and his heart rate decelerated for about four minutes. They backed off on the Pitocin and once things were more calm I had some jello, a highlight of this early morning labor. I continued to have contractions with the help of the Pitocin and around 7:00 a.m. Nicole wanted to check me again - one centimeter! This was getting discouraging. To top it off Ezra's heart rate decelerated again. He really didn't like anyone invading his space, I guess. As the next hour passed by we discussed getting an epidural, yet another intervention that I wanted to avoid at almost any cost. We agreed that I would have a chance to take a shower to see if that moved things along and if not then I would get the epidural after the shift change at 8:00 a.m. No dice. The shower did nothing for my labor and I couldn't even enjoy it because I had to have all the wires that were sticking out of me covered in tape and plastic. Sigh.

{Chloe & Nicole}

So 8:00 finally came and we got a new nurse, Jessica, and a new midwife, Chloe. We talked about how things didn't seem to be going our way and they were very encouraging and cheered me up a lot.

{Chloe}

{Jess}

The anesthesiologist took a little while to get there, and as we waited I had more contractions, of course, but they were milder as the Pitocin had been toned down some to avoid another deceleration. Although I hadn't planned on it or even really thought about it, once I got the epidural I was able to sleep and did for about two hours. 

When I woke up it was strange to know I was having contractions but not be able to feel them. The Pitocin was cranked up to try to get my cervix to dilate but to no avail, and at 12:15 Ezra's heart rate decelerated for nine to ten minutes. A flurry of nurses and medical personnel streamed into the room and they helped me into a number of positions to try to stop the deceleration. Matt was being helped into scrubs and a nurse was explaining the process of preparing me for a C-section. Thankfully, Ezra's heart was finally back to beating at a normal rate and the Pitocin was turned completely off. At this point I actually wanted to have a C-section. I felt like I couldn't endure any more deceleration scares and that I would rather have a C-section now, when things were calm, than in a few hours when Ezra was likely to have another deceleration and then it would be an emergency scenario. However, the Dr. Dambek, the doctor on call, thought that we should try the Pitocin one more time and that it shouldn't be pushed so that my body could really relax with the epidural. At about 3:00 my contractions were finally regular and in another hour and half my contractions were getting stronger. Chloe held off on checking my cervix for dilation, so while we waited Karissa's husband Stan brought a pizza for everyone to eat, except me, of course. I was getting by on sips of water. 

A little over three hours later at 6:20 Chloe decided it was time for a dilation check and she told us I had finally made some progress and was dilated to three centimeters. Woo hoo! 

{Gloria}

It was time for another shift change so as Jess prepared to leave she promised us that she handpicked the nurse who would replace her, and we welcomed Gloria. Ezra had another slight deceleration just after Jess left, so they backed off on the Pitocin once more just to be safe. He rebounded and I started to feel the contractions more, which clearly meant they were getting stronger since I could feel their increased intensity despite the epidural. 

A half hour later the Pitocin was ratcheted up a few notches and I enjoyed some delicious chicken broth as we waited for the drugs to kick in. No, I am not being facetious - that chicken broth tasted like the most delicious liquid ever to cross my lips. Remember, I had been subsisting on only water and the odd bite of jello for about twenty-two hours at this point. It's barbaric when you think about it. In another half hour at about 8:30 p.m. Chloe decided that she would check me again. We were shocked to hear that I was dilated to eight or nine centimeters and that she could feel his head! My first thought was that Chloe was joking but I quickly realized that would be a terrible joke and that she wouldn't do that. Now things were getting exciting. My contractions were off the chart but we waited for about another hour for that last centimeter. There was meconium in the amniotic fluid so we knew I had to start pushing soon to get Ezra out. 

My first push was at 9:35 and everyone quickly realized that Ezra's head seemed to be preventing any real progress from being made. 

I consented to another intervention that I had wanted to avoid - an episiotomy. As soon as Chloe made the cut I pushed once more and Ezra was out. Completely out, not just his head but his entire body.

It was a strange sensation to feel him exit my body and then to see him on the bed once my belly disappeared.

Since there was meconium in the amniotic fluid I knew Ezra would be taken to be suctioned to have his airways cleared right away.

Matt stayed with him the whole time.

After watching the team work for a little while Matt turned back to me and said, "I think he's Ezra." And so he was.

Soon Matt brought Ezra over to me so I could meet the little being that grew inside of me for nine months.

We were in love immediately.

Happy Birthday, sweet Ezra. We're so glad you're ours.